Pride and Grief: Loss in the LGBTQ Community

by Audrey Walls, M.Ed., M.F.A.

Grief takes on many shapes and colors, especially in regard to the LGBTQ+ community. With an unfortunate and long history of discrimination, disenfranchisement, and stigma attached to so many parts of their lives, members of the LGBTQ+ community can often find themselves at a loss when it comes to loss.

While we would like to believe that these barriers are a thing of the past, the truth remains that grief and bereavement are especially different in queer spaces. Feelings of isolation, fear, and anxiety are often intermingled for LGBTQ+ grievers in unique and powerful ways. Although strides have been made from past generations for better acceptance, understanding, and celebration of this community, the grieving process can be significantly challenging for LGBTQ+ individuals. 

According to an article by Evermore, a lack of “full social acceptance and recognition” can often force the bereaved person to feel that they must “grieve in private or mask the full extent of their grief” to preserve safety. In fact, a recent survey conducted in Palliative Medicine found that over 24% of lesbian, gay, bisexual, and/or trans adults expect to face barriers relating to their sexual identity when planning a funeral. Oftentimes, this can mean that LGBTQ+ individuals are even more hesitant to reach out for mental health and grief support for fear of judgment, which only amplifies the isolation they may already be feeling.

Laura McDonald, LCSW, our Overdose and Substance Use-Related Bereavement Services Manager here at Full Circle, has seen many instances when individuals do not feel understood or acknowledged in their grief. “For those who are already disenfranchised members of society, the ability to mourn can easily be disenfranchised as well,” Laura states. “We must recognize how necessary a sense of community and acceptance are to emotional and spiritual healing, and find ways to provide everyone an authentic place to mourn.”

Thankfully, if you, or someone you care about, has experienced loss in the queer community, there are ways to find support, or be that support for someone else. Small ways to build acceptance and inclusion include:

• Using gender inclusive language – ask and confirm both pronouns and chosen names for both the griever and the deceased, as well as other members of the community that may come up in conversation
• Acknowledging and celebrating their family of choice – sometimes LGBTQ+ individuals may have strained relationships with their biological families and choose to lean on “families of choice” composed of trusted friends as their support system
• Learning about the realities of disenfranchised grief, a complex and often misunderstood type of grief that occurs when your loss is not fully acknowledged by others or is not validated as being “real” or “warranted” depending on the circumstances surrounding the loss
• Creating a safe, affirming relationship that allows for the griever to feel heard and listened to when sharing about their loss

There are also wider organizations and resources available to grievers in the LGBTQ+ community, in this comprehensive list compiled by Eluna, a Seattle-based organization serving youth impacted by grief or addiction:

• The Trevor Project 
• onePULSE Foundation 
• Trans Lifeline
• Gender Spectrum 
• Lyndon Cudlitz 
• Hetrick-Martin Institute
• Somos Familia (En español)
• LGBTQ Grief Loss Support on Facebook 
• Hope Health 
• The Grievery

Article Resources

Evermore: Grief, Bereavement, and Chosen Family

Eluna Network: LGBTQ+ Grief Resources

Cruse Bereavement (UK): Understanding Grief in the LGBTQIA Community