by Allyson England Drake, M.Ed., FT
One in ten Americans experience a death resulting from a homicide. This type of death brings about many different emotions, such as anguish, grief, isolation, and anger. Those grieving a homicide must endure the shock of a sudden loss and the pain of knowing that the violence was deliberately caused by another person.
According to the Victim Connect Resource Center and The Wendt Center, survivors may:
- Struggle to comprehend or accept the loss of their loved one
- Feel helpless and powerless in their surroundings
- Constantly worry about their own safety and the safety of those who survived
- Believe that they could or should have done something to protect their loved one
- Feel troubled by vivid images, nightmares, and flashbacks of the event, even if they weren’t there
- Experience fear or distrust of strangers, and concerned that the perpetrator or another could strike again
- Be overwhelmed by intense anger towards the perpetrator(s)
- Avoid people, places, or reminders that bring back memories of their loved one or the homicide
- Experience physical symptoms like headaches, stomach aches, or difficulty with sleeping, eating, or focusing
- Feel blamed, isolated, exploited, or stigmatized by law enforcement, healthcare providers, the media, or even your own friends and family
Trauma is combined with grief in the aftermath of such a horrific event. Media coverage can deepen the harm, while legal systems may either provide support or compound feelings of shame for those left to mourn. In addition, there are often questions that go along with a loved one’s death and these answers may never come. And while deeply grieving their friend or family member, the survivors are dealing with the police, investigators, attorneys, and the court system. They are put through court trials, where they may be subjected to horrendous details about their loved one’s death. Perpetrators may be found “not guilty” or receive a sentence less than the survivors hope for. The criminal justice process may re-traumatize the survivors once again.
And yet, when these families and friends are going through this devastating time of grief and loss, many times those in their support system disappear. I facilitate a weekly support group for those who have experienced the loss of their loved ones due to homicide. This sentiment is often expressed during our discussion- the loss of the support system is yet another loss. Often, the group members share they are told “I don’t know what to say so I didn’t say anything” or people just simply stop showing up or reaching out. Group members share texts, emails, calls, or cards from others are so meaningful, allowing them to feel like others are still remembering and honoring their loved one. Sharing stories about the loved ones, sending pictures the family members may not have ever seen, or simply saying “I miss them too” enable them to feel supported. Being a part of the support system just means expressing that we care and are not forgetting their person who died. We cannot fix their grief or take it away…we can just show up to walk along beside them during such a devastating time.
Suggestions for supporting someone through a homicide loss:
- Keep in mind that everyone grieves differently. It has been said that everyone’s grief is as different as their fingerprint.Â
- It’s okay to say, “I don’t know what to say”.
- Sending cards, making phone calls, writing notes, or sending texts can also show your support.
- Avoid telling a survivor you understand their feelings unless you’ve personally lost a loved one to homicide.
- Steer clear of clichés and platitudes; a sincere “I’m sorry” can be more powerful.
- Embrace silence and listen with compassion, without judgment.
- Don’t be afraid to mention the name of their loved one, share a story, or send them a picture of their loved one.
- Avoid asking for details about the death. Allow the survivors to share if and when they want to share.
- Offer practical help when you can, such as cutting the grass, running errands, or dropping off food on their front porch.Â
- Be patient with survivors—grieving takes time and is often an emotional roller coaster.
- Stay connected, not just right after the death. Many homicide survivors only begin to process their grief many months after the death. It is helpful to reach out during court hearings and trials as well. Show up and show support during the court hearing if you can.
- Acknowledge the anniversary of the death, the loved one’s birthday, and other important dates.Â
- Give the survivor permission to grieve in their own time—or not grieve at all if they’re not ready.
Sources
Violent Death (2006) by Edward K. Rynearson
Full Circle Grief Center 