by Audrey Walls, M.Ed., M.F.A.
The back to school season can present equal parts excitement and anxiety for many school-aged children and teenagers, as well as their parents. This is especially true for children, teens, and parents who are grieving. The return to a dependable schedule, routines, and activities may be a welcome change for many, or it could act as a reminder to grieving children that this year feels different because of their loss. Or, if a loss has occurred some time ago, it could signal that this school year feels exactly the same because their loved one is still gone. Two different emotions that still come to the same conclusion that the back to school hustle for grievers may not be easy.
One of the biggest ways to provide support to grieving children as they head back to school, as highlighted in an article from The Dougy Center, is to discuss the upcoming transition and year ahead with your child. How are they feeling? What are their concerns? Let them know what to expect with the school year, event dates, drop off and pick up routines, after school activities, or other important information from your end. Allow them to ask questions or express nervousness if there are new components to your routine and troubleshoot them together.
Additionally, if the loss is recent, ask your child who they would like to share that information with – Teachers? Counselors? Support staff? Other students? Their first instinct may be to keep the loss a “secret” which can present a challenge on many levels. While respecting their privacy is vital, it can also be harder in the long run as opposed to finding ways of sharing information on their own terms – allowing their grief story to be told from their perspective, rather than having others find out second-hand.
Full Circle Executive Director and Founder, Allyson England Drake, M.Ed., FT, notes that another conversation that might be helpful is to “practice” or role play with your child about how they will share their story of loss. “Sometimes not knowing what words to say or how much information to share can cause additional anxiety or worry about talking about their loss,” shares Allyson. “As parents, we can give them suggestions of words they can use and how they can share appropriate information about the death.”
Acknowledging the loss and the accompanying grief and communicating that proactively with school staff such as teachers and counselors is also one way to ensure that grieving children can be supported throughout the day. In an article from The Children’s Room, it’s noted that children who are grieving often struggle with concentration, focus, and completion of work. Communicating with teachers can allow for better context and understanding of circumstances that may need to be adjusted, or changed completely, in order to best support a child.
It’s also important to note that the back to school season presents its own set of challenges for parents, as they may also be grieving the loss of a spouse, child, family member, or loved one. A parent in back to school mode may find themselves trying to do more with less, tackling multiple needs and tasks, and leaving little time for their own self-care or their own grief. Although we know it isn’t always easy, allowing yourself space and resources to process your own emotions, expectations, and experiences with the back to school season ensures that you have the bandwidth necessary to advocate for your child or teen as well.
At Full Circle, we’re of the firm belief that children and teens often grieve differently than adults, and that it may look and feel different than what we expect as grown-ups. Children and teens are often overlooked in grief and how it impacts their day-to-day lives, and how they interact with others in their social circles, especially in a place like their school environment. By offering support through grounding techniques, mindful movement, grief books for children, and more, parents, educators, and community members can be better equipped to understand grief in school-aged children. Resources for grieving teens and LGBTQ youth can also be important as teenagers in middle and high schoolers return to school.
While the resources included in this feature are a good place to get started, it is by no means a comprehensive list of ways to address grief and the return to the academic year. Each loss is special and unique, and each child’s response to that loss is going to be likewise unique. At your own pace, consider some of the resources listed below for further reading. Or, bookmark them for another time and take a walk with your child or teen instead.
Full Circle Conversations About Grief (Videos)
Grief Across Developmental Stages
Supporting Grieving Children and Families
Supporting Emotional Regulation in Children
Resources for Back to School Grief (Articles)
The Dougy Center: Back To School
The Children’s Room: When Grieving Children and Teens Go Back to School
NEA: When Students Grieve, How Can Educators Help?
Full Circle Grief Center 