by Shannon Deneen, MSW
Holidays are full of memories and traditions, built around relationships and community. They are milestones we share with our loved ones, days that reflect our beliefs and values. While this time of year may inspire joy and celebration for many people, it’s remarkably different for those who have experienced a loss. The whole world seems to be preoccupied with decorations, gift-giving, and merry preparations. When we lose someone, our world lacks that same degree of vibrancy.
The holidays can shine a spotlight on that devastating hole in our hearts, making us all too aware of our pain. Coping with grief during the holiday season can feel overwhelming, confusing, and even impossible. In the throes of grief, how can we find comfort with the holidays approaching? How can we celebrate togetherness when it feels like there is none?
Below are some reminders, activities, and resources to explore as we approach the holiday season.
Reminders:
- You have survived other hard days.
- You can always skip (or modify) traditions and revisit them next year.
- Setting and maintaining boundaries is self-care. You have permission to change your mind about plans, take breaks to recharge, or leave events early.
- There is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to celebrate holidays. Embrace what feels best for you.
- Check in with yourself throughout the day. Take inventory of your thoughts, feelings, energy level. Tend to your needs.
- Allow yourself to lean on others. Accept others’ help. We are not meant to do this thing alone.
- It’s easy to feel overwhelmed when we set unrealistic expectations or expect perfection from ourselves. Release the internal pressure to ‘do it all.’
- It’s okay to feel joy, too. Grief and joy can coexist. Remember, healing doesn’t mean forgetting or moving on. Rather, healing from grief is the process of remembering with less pain and more joy.
Activities:
- Establish a special memorial place at the table during a holiday meal.
- Giftwrap a box and make an opening at the top for people to put written memories of the person who died. When you choose, the box can be unwrapped, and the memories can be shared among everyone. Embrace those memories and share stories.
- Light a memorial candle.
- Listen to your person’s favorite music or play their favorite game.
- Make one of your person’s favorite meals.
- Draw comfort from giving to others. Buy or make a gift that your person would enjoy and give it to someone who would otherwise be without a gift.
Resources:
Planning for the Holidays Worksheet
The Grief-Sensitive Winter Holiday Planner
How Will I Get Through The Holidays? 12 Ideas for Those Whose Loved One Has Died
“Finding meaning in the loss is as individual as we are. We often say a part of us died with them, but finding meaning is also realizing a part of them still lives within us. What is vitally important is that we be present for the loss in whatever form the holidays do or don’t take. These holidays are part of the grieving journey that we must fully feel. They are usually very sad, but sometimes we may catch ourselves doing okay, and we may even have a brief moment of laughter. Now more than ever, be gentle with yourself. Don’t do more than you want, and don’t do anything that does not serve your soul, your loss, or the meaning that still lives within you.”
– Compassionate Friends
Full Circle Grief Center 