by Karen Coyner, LSCW, DCSW
Grief creates many changes in our bodies and lives. We know there will be many feelings that can be anticipated, confusing or challenging. The body’s response to grief is talked about less.
Grieving can be exhausting. But why is it so hard on our bodies?
The emotional and cognitive changes we experience with the death of a loved one creates stress in our bodies that can show up in many ways. Many grievers report a “brain fog” or say “I just can’t seem to remember things like I used to”. This can be a scary and unsettling change that certainly was not expected. But why does this happen?
When a loved one dies, our stress hormones surge in a “fight or flight” instinct. Suddenly we find ourselves in an unfamiliar, possibly scary and certainly stressed circumstance. This increase in stress hormones can affect our attention, sleep and memories as well as many daily functioning activities. Our brain is on high alert because everything has changed.
This natural instinct for survival is our body’s way of coping with something very painful and disrupting. Your brain now has to see a new world without your loved one present and this can be overwhelming. That takes a lot of energy as thoughts and interactions are reworked to survive. Over time, our brains will settle (or integrate our grief) and begin to understand the reality of our loss as we learn to live without our person present. When grief is integrated into our lives and brains, it no longer seems overwhelming. Slowly, we are able to function with grief and adjust to the changes in our lives without the constant presence of those stress hormones. This does not mean you will be free of hard or even debilitating moments or days. However, integration of grief into our lives slowly allows our brains and bodies adjustment to this new way of living.
Why is reading a book so hard in grief?
Reading can be a wonderful escape from reality and take us to places of peace or distraction. Many grievers have trouble concentrating on their beloved novels or the self-help books that are often gifted after the death of a loved one. This same phenomenon with the brain struggling to survive and understand this new world without a loved one is now affecting what we thought would help us cope.
Remember your brain is working really hard to survive every day. The energy that is used in our “fight or flight” state of being is exhausting. In addition, your brain is working really hard to re-order every interaction, every task to be completed and how you move through each day without your person. Of course, reading a book and retaining the story can be nearly impossible when our brain is working constantly to relearn everyday tasks.
Be patient with yourself. Your body will learn how to live again in this strange new world without your person. You will regain the ability to remember, concentrate and focus on a good book.
Why can’t I remember what I am looking for when I walk into a room?
It’s okay! You are thinking very hard every day (perhaps unconsciously) about missing your loved one and trying to learn how to live. Remember that grieving takes a lot of energy and thought to integrate your loss into your daily life. On the best of days, a busy person can forget why they went into a room. That is what happens when we are “multitasking”. Your body and your brain are “multitasking”, searching for survival when the weight of grief is very heavy.
We are reminded by Lynne Shinto, N.D., M.P.H. of Oregon Health & Science University that there are lots of reasons for “brain fog”. A few common causes are:
- Hormone changes
- Depression
- Stress
- Lack of sleep
- Vitamin and mineral deficiencies
The list above can absolutely be a result of grief’s effects on our body. Poor sleep, poor appetite, increased stress and depression during the adjustment phase of grief are all very common effects of grief on our body. When you are in the acute periods of grief and your loss is still new (yes, this can even mean a couple years) there is no need to add additional stress and worry about long term cognitive changes. Allow yourself grace and understanding as you make these difficult adjustments.
Am I getting dementia?
Especially as we age, fearing dementia is not uncommon. The experience of having a family member who has suffered with dementia or died from Alzheimer’s Disease is traumatic and can instill fear about our own well-being. That is understandable!
What are the observable differences between possible effects of grief and dementia?
| Grief | Dementia |
| Forgetfulness due to emotional overload and heightened survival responses | Forgetting recent events and words |
| Mood swings | Mood swings |
| Unexplained aches and pains-temporary and improving over time | Unexplained aches and pains-chronic and worsening over time |
| Difficulty with concentration and memory-temporary | Steady decline in cognitive abilities including memory, problem solving and judgement |
| Possible withdrawal from social activities and emotional swings | Significant behavioral changes such as wandering, agitation or aggression |
But how will we know? How can we be sure? If you are really worried, talk with your primary care practitioner. Be honest and share what you see as symptoms of fading memory.
What I hope you take away from this article is knowing that deep grief can and likely will affect your memory. Give yourself grace as your brain and body adjust to this new life without your person. Everything has changed. You have changed. It will take time for you to create new and sustainable patterns of daily functioning and for your brain to integrate your grief into who you are. Be patient as your brain adjusts and calms; no longer needing to be in a heightened “fight or flight” state of being.
You’ve got this! Your books will wait and will soon provide you with the distraction, escape, or diligent learning that comforts you.
Resources:
The Neuroscience of Grief: How the Brain Processes Loss Over Time, www.sciencenewstoday.org.
What Does it Mean to Integrate Grief? www.Whatsyourgrief.com
Brain Fog vs. Dementia, The Center for Women’s Health, Oregon Health & Science University, 2001-2002
How Grief Mimics Dementia (And How to Tell the Difference), HelpDementia.com. January 30, 2025
Full Circle Grief Center 