by Audrey Walls, M.Ed., M.F.A.
The death of a spouse or partner is often a devastating event that can challenge a griever’s concepts of identity and stability. Whether through a sudden event, or a prolonged illness, the loss of a person’s “better half” can leave the bereaved feeling halved themselves – incomplete, lessened, and disconnected. Age and identity can also come into play for the surviving spouse, making their grief journey both more personal and profound.
Unfortunately, the loss of a spouse or partner is a common occurrence. This past year at Full Circle saw an unprecedented need for our Widow, Widower, and Partner Loss Groups, as our graduate clinical intern Alana Harris facilitated three sections of this group, often with the waitlist of participants from one group rolling over into the next. However, Full Circle was proud to be able to meet the community’s needs.
“Many participants in our group are 55+ and retired, having become a population in our society that is oftentimes overlooked,” Alana explains. “Coming to a support group that is specific to the population of widows and widowers aged 55 and up provides a space of shared understanding and connection that is too often inaccessible outside of our space.”
While this type of loss can and does occur at any age, seniors and elders are especially vulnerable to partner loss. Senior grief itself has its own special precautions and assumptions, including an increased sense of isolation. Alana noted in her Widow, Widower, and Partner Loss Groups that feelings of isolation were a common thread among group participants, and that the group became “a support for some of our loneliest members of our community.”
Where others may assume that grief lessens with age, and that older individuals are more accustomed to grief and loss than their younger counterparts, the opposite is often true. As this blog post from Full Circle’s Grief Services Director Britt Cowart, LCSW, shows, seniors are often at a higher risk for depression because of living alone, and feel secondary losses more acutely.
“The pain of grief is not lessened by age. Seniors experience grief just as deeply as anyone else, and often lose many loved ones across their lifespan, experiencing grief over and over again due to increased longevity,” Britt adds. “Losing a partner can significantly impact one’s identity, roles, and responsibilities, leading to feelings of confusion, increased grief, and loss of purpose or self of sense. Sometimes a partner has not been uncoupled in some time, which creates many secondary losses. Their life as they had envisioned it, with lifelong partnership or marriage, is forever changed, therefore radically impacting their assumptive world.”
The concept of secondary losses may also be present after the loss of a spouse or partner, in conjunction with other losses as we age (such as independence, driving a car, loss of health or stamina). In grief, secondary losses are often described as the “ripples” of additional, smaller, yet significant losses that can occur in the surviving spouse’s life. This Conversations About Grief episode on secondary losses from Full Circle Grief Center therapist Sarah Mayfield, M.Ed., NCC, CT highlights the importance of acknowledging these “ripples” as part of a larger whole and longer journey into grief.
Lastly, regardless of age, grievers who have lost their partner or spouse may arrive at a place where they feel they are ready to seek connection and begin dating. However, it’s important to note that this next step may take months, years, or not happen at all. Patience and understanding that there is no “right” timeline for beginning to date or seek connections, if any are sought at all, is a key component as you support someone who has experienced the loss of a partner.
If someone you care about has lost their spouse or partner, there are ways that you can help. Think of the following “A” statements when offering support to someone who has recently lost their partner.
- Adhere to their grief process – grief is neither linear nor timebound, and may look and feel different for everyone. Let the griever set their own pace during this journey.
- Acknowledge special dates – send a card or text during special times like birthdays or anniversaries to let them know you are thinking of both them and their loved one’s memory.
- Accompany them to events and outings – losing a partner can mean that your standby +1 is no longer there to go with you to services, church, doctor’s appointments, or even just the grocery store.
- Actively listen if they share – without judgment, allow the griever to share their thoughts and emotions if they feel so inclined, and also allow them to *not* share if they choose.
- Ask for tasks – take on small tasks or chores that their partner or spouse might have been able to help with. Notice that a lightbulb is out? Ask if you can change it. Offer to pick up takeout or run small errands.
- Avoid platitudes and blanket statements – a griever’s most hated words are “everything happens for a reason”. Try to steer clear of well-meaning statements that often are tone deaf and insensitive.
Additional Resources (via What’s Your Grief):
Soaring Spirits International: “Soaring Spirits is an inclusive, non-denominational organization focused on hope and healing through the grieving process. We are positive, and forward-thinking while focusing on offering our members the tools and resources they need to rebuild their lives in the aftermath of the death of a spouse or life partner.”
The Widowed Parent Project: “The Widowed Parent project is committed to supporting widowed mothers and fathers with children in the home.”
National Widowers Organization: “The National Widowers’ Organization is a virtual toolkit for men coping with the loss of a loved one, a place where men can meet others going through the same transition.”
Modern Widows Club: “[Modern Widows Club] serves to empower widows to lean into life, build resilience and make a positive difference in society.”
American Widow Project: “The American Widow Project recognizes the sacrifices made by the families of our fallen and believes that no military widow should feel alone in her grief. Every military widow deserves the opportunity and tangible tools available to help rebuild her life. Because of that, the American Widow Project provides the vital peer-to-peer, emotional, and educational support necessary to maximize success, healing and hope for a brighter future.”
Full Circle Grief Center 