By Karen Kennedy, MSW
Many people who have had a loved one die by suicide often report others avoid them or dance around the topic of suicide. For some people, they don’t know the right thing to say, are worried about upsetting the survivor, or feel uncomfortable discussing the topic of suicide. Those grieving a death by suicide do not expect friends and family members to know the exact perfect thing to say. Nobody can fix the pain, but feeling supported can sometimes lessen those intense feelings. It’s better to say something than nothing at all.
When communicating about suicide, it is important to use language that is accurate, respectful, and free from stigma. Preferred phrasing includes “died by suicide” or “death by suicide,” which describe the loss in a clear, neutral way. Terms such as “committed suicide” should be avoided because they can carry outdated or judgmental connotations.
Sensationalized or dramatic language (such as “successful attempt” or “completed suicide,” which implies that suicide is an accomplishment) should not be used, as it can increase distress and misunderstanding. Avoid language that suggests suicide is quick, painless, or a solution to a problem. This language oversimplifies the complex nature of suicide and disregards the reality that we may never fully understand why someone dies by suicide.
Other harmful messages include:
- Suicide is something that should be kept hidden.
- Families affected by suicide should feel guilt or shame.
- Conversations about suicide are unsafe or should be avoided.
When sharing information about a suicide death, it is important to be mindful and limit unnecessary or potentially harmful details. “Safe talk” about suicide discourages sharing information about the method of death, graphic descriptions of the death scene, or specific location details should generally not be shared unless there is a clear and essential reason to do so. This responsible communication helps protect privacy and reduces the risk of anguish for those hearing the description.
It is also advisable to avoid overly simplistic explanations. Suicide is rarely the result of a single event or isolated circumstance. Statements that attribute the death to one factor, such as a divorce, job loss, or other life stressor, can unintentionally misrepresent the complexity of suicide. A more accurate framing recognizes that suicide typically arises from a combination of factors. These influences can include emotional or mental health struggles, difficult life circumstances, relationship or social pressures, and a combination of other factors.
Other tips to support someone grieving a death by suicide include:
- Offering to come sit with the survivor whenever they are feeling lonely or want company; sometimes to talk and other times to just be there with them.
- Reach out to the survivor regularly to let them know you are thinking about them. Call or text to share a memory or story about their loved one.
- Listen to their story without judgment or asking too many questions. Do not push for details about the death or the “why” around the suicide death.
- Don’t be afraid to say their loved one’s name to them, as it may reassure them that others will not forget about them.
- Make an effort to sit in the intense emotions and feelings with them, and accept their grief however it shows up.
- Offering to help with day-to-day tasks, such as cutting the grass or doing laundry.
- Helping with service arrangements, writing the obituary, or going with them to the funeral home to coordinate arrangements.
Some helpful statements for those experiencing a loss by suicide could include the following:
- “I am so sorry you are experiencing this pain.”
- “You don’t have to go through this alone.”
- “I don’t have the right words, but I care about you.”
- “Tell me about your loved one if you are comfortable.”
- “How can I support you today?”
- “What can I do for you today?”
- “It’s okay to feel however you’re feeling.”
- “I’m worried about you.”(If someone shows signs of intense hopelessness, isolation, or suicidal thoughts, gently suggest talking to a mental health provider.)
- “I am here for you today and in the future.”
Statements to avoid saying include:
- “Everything happens for a reason.”
- “They’re in a better place.”
- “At least they’re no longer suffering.”
- “You need closure.”
- “You should be moving on.”
- “I know exactly how you feel.”
- “I cannot imagine how you feel.”
- “They must not have thought it through/It must have been impulsive.”
- Assumptions about suicide such as “They must have been in so much pain.” or “I guess they didn’t know what else to do.”
While it can be a difficult subject to address, if you find yourself supporting others who have been impacted by suicide loss, simply breaking the silence and saying sincere words of kindness and affirmation can go a long way. We hope this list of suggestions gives you a place to start when caring for others and companioning their experiences.
For more information and resources on suicide loss and support, visit the following sections of our website.
Suicide Loss Resources and Support
Suicide Intervention and Postvention Resources
Grief Support for Survivors of Suicide Loss (Blog)
Understanding Passive Suicidal Ideation (Blog)
Learning More About Our Intervention and Postvention Suicide Manuals (Blog)