by Casey Kelahan, MSW

Grief is hard. Having ADHD is hard. Together, they can make life feel completely unmanageable. Whether you are a griever with ADHD or are supporting one, understanding what helps begins with understanding what makes this experience unique. 

With that in mind, let’s look together at why grief with ADHD may look different than it does for people with neurotypical brains, and explore some actionable coping strategies for ADHD grievers.

Why it feels different

1. Both Grief and ADHD Impact Executive Functioning

One of the hallmark components of ADHD is what we call executive dysfunction. In other words, disruption of the brain’s management system and difficulty with cognitive processes such as:

• Planning and prioritizing
• Getting started on tasks
• Sustaining focus and effort
• Time management
• Working memory
• Impulse control
• Self monitoring and self regulation

In ADHD, this happens because the brain region responsible for these skills, the prefrontal cortex, is slower to mature and has reduced activity. Interestingly, research suggests that this same brain region is impacted during periods of grief, even for neurotypical people. 

So, what does that mean for grievers with ADHD? Well, first of all, it means that existing executive dysfunction may become more intense, which may make even the most basic of daily tasks – replying to a message, starting laundry, making a phone call – feel impossible. This may be further compounded by additional responsibilities that sometimes accompany loss and require use of executive functioning skills, such as tasks related to estate management or planning funeral services.

Another unfortunate reality is that this compounded executive dysfunction can make it harder to access support (like therapy or support groups), creating a difficult cycle: grievers with ADHD need help, but the skills required to get help are the very ones that are most impacted.

2. ADHD Intensifies the Emotional Experience of Grief 

ADHD doesn’t just affect attention, it also shapes how emotions are experienced and managed. People with ADHD often feel emotions more intensely and may take longer to return to baseline. This happens for two reasons:

• It’s partly neurological: brain regions involved in emotional regulation, like the prefrontal cortex and amygdala, function differently in ADHD, leading to quicker, stronger emotional responses.
• It’s also shaped by experience. Many people with ADHD grow up facing frequent criticism, rejection, or misunderstanding. Over time, this can lead to chronic stress, burnout, and less emotional bandwidth.

Loss is an emotionally complex experience for many – adding ADHD into the mix turns up the dial on the intensity of grief while simultaneously making regulation more difficult. This can show up as irritability, shutdown, or exhaustion. It also means that integration of grief may look different for people with ADHD than it does for neurotypical people. For example, it may take longer to feel a sense of stability. 

3. Both Grief and ADHD Can Negatively Impact Self-Esteem

Loss of a loved one can significantly impact how we see ourselves. It may:

• Fracture our sense of identity and erode confidence
• Bring up feelings of worthlessness, helplessness, or guilt
• Take away a sense of purpose through removing meaningful roles – like spouse or caregiver – sometimes showing up as a loss of self-worth

ADHD also commonly impacts self-esteem due to ongoing difficulties meeting social, academic, and professional expectations. Many people with ADHD carry a long history of feeling “behind,” “too much,” or “not enough.” This is a difficult foundation to be working from when managing grief and loss, and can increase ADHD grievers’ likelihood of:

• Experiencing shame
• Engaging in negative self talk
• Withdrawing from friends and loved ones and avoiding offers of support or connection 
• Experiencing suicidal or self harm ideation

4. We Learn to ‘Mask’ Both Grief and ADHD 

‘Masking’ is a coping mechanism in which someone hides their emotions or intuitive behaviors in order to avoid stigma and ‘fit in’ to social or professional spaces. In grief, this might look like saying “fine” when you are asked the dreaded “How are you?”

In ADHD, it may look like hyper-organization, over-preparing, perfectionism, or suppression of hyperactivity. Many of these behaviors are then positively reinforced, which makes it difficult to break these habits or ‘unmask.’

For grievers with ADHD, this ‘double masking’ can intensify feelings of loneliness and isolation, and act as a barrier to receiving much needed support. 

What Can Help

We’ve looked at how ADHD and grief interact, but what can we do about it? Let’s break coping strategies down into a few different categories. 

1. Support Emotion Regulation 

• Name your emotions, out loud if necessary. If emotion identification feels difficult, make use of tools like the feelings wheel
• Movement is your friend. If you are working through an intense or challenging emotion, try walking, stretching, or shaking out the tension
• Use sensory tools. This could look like using weighted blankets or stuffed animals, having a designated ‘low sensory’ space to calm overstimulation, listening to calming music, or drinking a soothing warm beverage

2. Pay Attention to Self-Talk

• Notice when you are not speaking kindly to yourself, and consider gently challenging those statements. “I should be handling this better” becomes “I’m doing the best I can under really hard circumstances”. “Why can’t I just get it together?” turns into “My brain is overwhelmed right now, this makes sense” or “It’s okay to need support”
• Create a list of positive affirmations to refer to. If you need help, look online for a list that already exists, or try tools like this deck 
• If you are supporting a child or teen griever with ADHD, balance feedback with consistent, specific praise, validation, and encouragement

3. Get Support With Executive Functioning

• Request reasonable accommodations at work or school. For workplaces, the Job Accommodation Network provides good examples of these. For children and teens, connect with teachers or school staff early, and consider supplementing an IEP with an Individual Student Bereavement Support Plan
• Try body doubling by sitting with a friend while you both do tasks, joining virtual coworking sessions, or even having someone on the phone while you get things done around the house
• Break tasks down into the smallest possible steps (instead of “clean the kitchen,” try “put dishes in sink” and “start dishwasher”) 
• Create a running list of needs (laundry, meals, errands). When someone asks, “How can I help?” then you’ll have an answer ready

4. Reduce Demands (Wherever Possible)

• Lower expectations for productivity at home. Essential things may still need to be done, but they don’t have to be done perfectly. 
• Ask for temporary flexibility (extended deadlines, reduced workload). If possible, be specific when asking for support (“Can we push this deadline back a week?”, “Can I step out of non-essential meetings for now?”). If initiating these conversations feels like too much, ask someone you trust to help you draft what to say
• Take time off of work if bereavement leave is available 

5. Seek Professional Help

• Review ADHD medications with your provider. If you (or a child or teen in your care) take medication for ADHD, schedule a conversation with the prescribing provider to discuss whether any adjustments need to be made
• Consider grief counseling, particularly with a therapist who has experience (like me!) working with people who have ADHD. 

Grief impacts all of us differently. ADHD is just one piece of the puzzle, but for many, it’s a significant one. Remember that grieving with ADHD means that your brain is navigating two demanding experiences at once… and if you’re supporting a griever with ADHD, your understanding, flexibility, and willingness to meet them where they are can make a meaningful difference.

If this topic is of importance to you or your loved one, there are several additional resources that you may find helpful:

Your Brain’s Not Broken: Strategies for Navigating Your Emotions and Life with ADHD (book written by Dr. Tamara Rosier, Founder of the ADHD Center of West Michigan) 

How the Interest Based Nervous System Shapes ADHD Motivation and Burnout (in other words, why something being “important” isn’t enough to get it done)

ADHD Explained: From Brain to Daily Life (playlist of educational videos by Psychiatrist Dr. Tracey Marks)